Him.

And you're the one who blew up the balloons in one breath just to show me how long you could hold your breath, even though it was your heart I was after, you innocent little fool. I knew you were cheating on me with oxygen and you planned to breathe her until the day I died, but I hoped you would forget her and breathe me instead. And so with your balloon, you tied the knot. With effort, you tied that balloon to a string and that string to a chair, and you told me your breath could carry me over the oceans.

And looking back, you shouldn't have left me over the ocean all alone. If I had it my way, you would have dreamt me up a pair of wings to slip from my broken mind, but I would have flown too close to the sun in my haste to taste the salt on my lips and try an entree of freedom at the nearest cafe. I was too curious and too nonsensical. I always wondered if clouds danced when we were too busy practicing arithmetic and cursive. You should have kissed me with your lips that made me feel closer to flying than I feel waiting in security in the airport. And your lips were always too soft. And your hands always held me too loosely. As if handed a five dollar bill, your grip would have given way in search of something more solid.

Either way I would have fallen. Not in spite of you but because of you.

There's lots missing in this world. The memory of God pushing us into the pool to teach us how to swim. A good recipe for apple pie. The sound of a jar breaking as the waves break. But neither "sink" or "swim" are five letter words and I'm more scared of evens than I am of odds. I never was a mathematician but I think I'm better suited to be a Playgirl, who has to know 69 and 70 but never has to count them.

You're my little saltwater beauty but you're too sound to play with the waves
and the wind picks you up like you're a plastic bag.
You compete with the ocean because she wants you to sway with the seaweed
and you sink like a rock.
But the wind takes you because you breathe to her your secrets.
But even she recognizes that's not a halo and you don't have wings.

I never loved you because you were perfect.

You told me you like limes but you wont eat them without sugar. You told me you like girls but I never wanted to test if you would fuck them without makeup. You tell me you like your life plain and simple, but you don't even use plain cream cheese on your blueberry bagel. You didn't like your girls plain. And I was scared I was too plain and at the same time too complicated. You tell me you want to settle down in Norway and live overseas. Why can't you be content with catching fish one day at a time? Why couldn't you be content with our lost summer? With our space camp? Mornings in Alpine, nights in Montana. When the world was no bigger than your room and forever lasted only as long as curfew. Your car has more paint than rust and I forgave you for that because you've been on more roadtrips than flights.

You pushed and pushed and pushed me away and I kept giving and giving until there was nothing left to give.

I'm a lobster in boiling water and they're slowly turning up the heat but I'm too busy admiring the view from your hot tub. I'm aware my insides are cooking. I just want one last look at the trees.

He didn't want me but he didn't want me to forget him.

I'm falling all over again and he's reopening the cuts that were just beginning to heal over so nicely. The kind of scars you trace over gently with your fingertips when you're not aware of it.

But when your knife cuts, it's a beautiful, dizzying pain. Like getting sick from riding a roller coaster. I feel the cold metal pressing against my wrist. It's the anticipation of the pain I like.

You knew you couldn't contain me on a lawn chair floating over the ocean. You knew I was reckless and senseless and I was going to jump. You know I like the sensation of falling, but I don't like being dropped. The emptiness where your arms once were. Sleepless nights and memories rehashed, cycling through my head like the same repetitive load of laundry. I know you're going to drop me, but the highs are worth it. And I'm so addicted to your highs.

Just kiss me already.