How to Kiss

I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's because I had Starbucks with Grace Kelly and I wanted to brag about it. #thisisnotametaphor Maybe it's because the sun set and now depression is settling in like a housewife watching reruns of Downtown Abbey on Sunday afternoon. And even though people say I can "call them anytime," I'm too scared to reach out with these arms that want so much more than words words words.

And I'm chilled to the bone. The world looks dark when I finally get out of bed and glance out the window. The headlights are blinding. And I keep telling myself I'm so sad.

And the printer keeps printing on those lazy days. And when it stops, it says "Load printer with plain white paper, then press okay." But why does the paper have to be plain? And why does the paper have to be white? Because when I'm printing those wedding announcements on red paper, red stands for sin sin sin. The color of paper has a hell of a lot of responsibility.

And we all know I had a Britney moment. You can even search that shit on Facebook. But if Britney survived 2007, you can wake up without pressing the snooze button this morning. Or so the story goes.

Depression has strangled you over the years, but he lets go sporadically enough that you're still living. Sometimes you call him "dipshit" for short, just to make yourself feel better. Even though your clever nickname isn't that much shorter than the diagnosis itself. You're trying so hard. You're doing everything Ashleigh tells you to. You're spending hours a day working on all of those therapeutic assignments. You're grabbing at your throat gasping for air. You're writing a book no one's reading. You're singing a song called love love love but you skim over the title like you skim your milk. And you tell yourself the calories aren't worth it. And people tell you to start writing a new book halfway through. Start over your life story. To start singing a new song when you've just started belting out the chorus, shitfaced singing karaoke at the bar. But it isn't that easy. Load the printer, press okay. Press alignment page face down on the copier, press okay. Repeat: It is not that easy.

Shit shit I started to write this about how to kiss. But I got so distracted.

She leans in. You lean in. And you fucking kiss her.

I'm so sorry.